Star Trek 20
by Dennis Fielder
Summary: An AU set in the reality of the '09 film, with fantasized versions of myself and some friends as part of the crew.
1. New Crewmates

**Star Trek 2.0**

Chapter 1: New Crewmates

(It opens at the Enterprise as two young men at twenty-four are beamed in.)

Kirk: Gentlemen may I be the first to welcome you to the Starship Enterprise. My friends meet Doug Halbeisen and Robert Buggie our new crewmembers.

Spock: Seems logical.

Robert (Sarcastically): Is it? Is it really?

Doug: Yup. Now... Oh my god, we're on the Enterprise!

[The two look outside and realize they're in space.]

Robert (Turning green): I'm gonna be sick!

Doug: Cool! I've always wanted to be in space! Hey Dr. McCoy. Did you know an X-Man's got the same last name as you?  
Bones: Okay kid, shut up and open your mouth and say, "Ahh".  
Doug: What are you-

[Dr. McCoy sticks a device in his mouth.]

Doug: Ahhhahaha

Rob: So, what's our first mission?

Kirk: To boldly go where no man has gone before.  
Rob (confused): You're taking us to the Land of Oz?

(Doug laughs.)

Doug: This is gonna be so cool! What's my first duty?  
Bones: Not dying.

Kirk: Bones, stop scaring him.

Doug: I'm not scared. Let's go... Do... What's our mission?  
Kirk: Just a small patrol for the first day of our five new recruits.  
Doug: Who are the other three?

(Younger versions of Decker, Ilia, and a girl of our age named Katherine come up.)

Doug: Katherine? You're here?  
Katherine: I'm the Deputy Science Officer in training, under Mr. Spock.  
Doug: ... Wow. I'm the uh... I'm the uh... I'm...  
Kirk: My assistant under Decker, myself, and all other senior crew members. In other words, you're the ship's gofer.  
Doug: Yeah that. And Rob is-  
Rob: I can answer for myself. Medical assistant, under Dr. McCoy.

Doug: Cool! So when are we heading out?  
Kirk: Once Scotty says the engine room is ready. We've been having some difficulties.

Doug: What kind of difficulties?

Kirk: Scotty, mind explaining our problem to Mr. Halbeisen?  
Scotty (VO): The damned engine is outta balance. Again.  
Kirk: How long until it can be prepared?

Scotty: Half an hour.  
Kirk: Very good Mr. Scott.  
Doug: So Mr. Spock... What's being a Vulcan like?

Spock: Being Vulcan cannot be explained through conventional means.

Doug: Oh. How exactly do you do the mind meld thing I always heard about?

Spock: Again, it's something that cannot be explained.

Doug: Oh. Well... What can you tell me about your culture?

Spock: Vulcan life is too complicated for a mere human mind to understand. It takes years of studying.  
Bones (Sarcastically): Gee, isn't learning about Vulcans fun?

Doug: Okay... How about yourself? Any interesting stories?  
Spock: ... That depends on your idea of interesting.

Doug: Do you always answer every question with a question?

Spock: When it seems logical.  
Doug: Okay... How are the engines doing Mr. Scott?

Scotty: I'm giving it all she's got, Ensign, but if I push it any harder the whole thing'll blow!

Kirk: Okay Scotty, calm down. We're not in a rush, as I remind Ensign Halbeisen.  
Doug: Sorry. This is just so cool. Is it true you beat the no win scenario?

Kirk: Yeah, let's walk and talk.

[Kirk and Doug walkout.]

Doug: So, what's up, sir?  
Kirk: Just wanted to give you a bit of advice... I don't believe in the no win scenario.

Doug: ...Okay. Neither do I.

Kirk: Good.

(Cut to the bridge.)

Scotty (VO): The engines are online, Captain.  
Kirk: Great. Let's head out. (To Sulu) All ahead, full impulse.

Sulu: Right.

(They fly off. Cut to a shot of the Enterprise.)

Kirk (VO): Captain's Log. With our patrol mission to get the new crew members time to adjust to the Enterprise, they are growing closer to their direct supervisors.

(Cut to Katherine with Spock at the research area.)

Katherine: I would then...input the data and see what the computer's analysis is?  
Spock: Correct and what is it you must always remember?  
Katherine: That the computer is not always correct.

Spock: Exactly. These devices can be deceived or come to the wrong conclusions.

(Cut to sick bay as Bones and Robert are there.)

Robert: Are you seriously going to make me do this?

Bones: Yup.

(Robert sticks an unconscious man with a medical syringe.)

Robert: Alright, weird substance, do your work.

(Robert injects the figure as he shoots up.)

Robert: JESUS!  
Bones: Yeah, scares the crap out of ya the first time, doesn't it?

[Robert grabs his chest.]

Robert (Gasping): Uh...yeah, yeah it does.

(Cut to Kirk and Decker with Doug.)

Doug: So... Iowa, huh Captain?  
Kirk: Yup. You?

Doug: Michigan. How about you, Decker?

Decker: California.

Doug: Cool.  
Scotty (VO): Captain Kirk, we've found something along our course.  
Kirk: What is it?  
Scotty: It looks like a ship from... 1996.  
Kirk: We'll be at the bridge ASAP.

[Cut to them arriving on the bridge.]

Kirk: Okay, any life forms aboard?  
Spock: Several, but the heat signatures are very weak.  
Doug: Can we beam them aboard?

Spock: I would recommend we quarantine them before bringing them aboard.

Kirk: Right. Bones, prepare for quarantine of the people on that ship.  
Bones: You got it, Jim.  
Doug: This is exciting.  
Bones: That's what worries me.  
Doug: Are you always such a grouch?  
Bones: ... Yep, and a darn good one too.

(Cut to a few moments later after the people are quarantined and beamed aboard. The leader is a tall dark muscular man.)

Man (Spanish accent): Where am I?  
Kirk: The USS Enterprise. I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Who are you?

Man (Spanish accent): Kh...Khan.

Kirk: Khan? As in the Khan from the Eugenics Wars?  
Khan: Yes.  
Kirk: We better get you to sick bay to have you checked out. You look great for a guy who's over two-hundred years old.  
Spock: If you're Khan, then logic follows that the ship we pulled you out of was the Botany Bay.  
Katherine: What do we do with it?

Kirk: We hold onto it for now.

Khan: Very well.  
Kirk: I'm afraid this trip is halted. We're heading back to Earth.  
Doug: Aw...!  
Kirk: Don't argue. We did a good enough job getting you guys used to the ship.

(Cut to Starfleet headquarters as the Enterprise arrives.)

Kirk: Enterprise to Starfleet. We've got a historical find and some unexpected guests. Requesting entrance.

Starfleet HQ: This is Starfleet SG1; you are clear on gate 14.  
Kirk: Thank you very much. Mr. Sulu, take us in.  
Sulu: Aye, sir.

(They land as everyone walks out.)

Khan: What is this place?  
Spock: Starfleet headquarters. You'll tell your story, and we'll figure out what to do with you and your crew.  
Khan: Very well.  
Doug: My god that voice is cool.  
Bones: Damn it, Doug, this isn't the time to act like a newbie.

Robert: Get used to it, Doctor McCoy.

(They arrive in front of the Grand Admiral.)

Kirk: Hey sir.

Grand Admiral: Captain, (noticing Doug) who's this?

Kirk: One of the new crew members assigned to the Enterprise. May I also introduce, Khan?

[Khan walks out.]

Khan: Hello.

Grand Admiral: Greetings.

Doug: Well... This is nice.  
Grand Admiral: So, would you like help adjusting to this time Mr. Khan?  
Kirk: I'd be willing to show him around the Federation locales on the Enterprise.

[Spock gives Kirk a sideways glance, unsure if it is wise. Khan, however, remains perfectly confident.]

Khan: I would like that very much, Captain.

(They walk out as Spock stops Kirk.)

Spock: Captain, if I may talk to you for a moment?  
Kirk: Sure.  
Spock: Jim... Is it logical or wise to let Khan aboard the ship so readily? We don't really know anything about him.

Kirk: Spock, you're worried about a man whose been frozen for the better half of his life. I think we can offer him some leeway here. After all, it's not every day you wake up to the future.  
Spock: Aren't we always waking up to the future?

Kirk: Well... Not two-hundred years' worth.

[Kirk gives Spock a pat on the arm. Spock looks at the area he just patted and then back at him.]

Kirk: Am I right?  
Spock: Earth customs are still strange to me.

Kirk: Who knows? Maybe you'll get used to 'em in five years.  
Spock (smiling): Doubtful.

(They walk off. Cut to the Enterprise as Doug bumps into Katherine.)

Doug: Oh! Sorry.

Katherine: It's alright. How've you been?

Doug: Great. Great. It's really good seeing you again.  
Katherine: Yeah. Look, about at the Academy-  
Doug: I understand. You had other things to deal with. Friends?  
Katherine: Friends.

(Khan walks past with a woman.)

Khan: You know this vessel?

Doug: Nope. We just started here. So, is this your wife?  
Khan: Indeed. My beloved. So, what can you show me?  
Doug: I know the bridge the best.  
Katherine: Me too.

(They head off as Khan marvels at the technology.)

Khan: Such amazing progress you've made.

Doug: Yeah, and this is-  
Spock: May I divert you four to the galley.  
Doug: AH!  
Katherine: Mr. Spock!

Doug: What's in the galley?

Spock: Just some basic foods to quench your appetite.

(Khan walks off as Kirk passes him.)

Kirk: You may have been right Spock. Asking the new guy to show you around definitely sounds suspicious.

Spock: A bit naive, but I see potential.

Kirk: Didn't think Vulcans had humor.  
Spock: If I may remind you, Captain, I'm half-Vulcan.  
Kirk: True.

(Cut to that night as one of Khan's men appears and takes Kirk and Spock while they sleep. Cut to a secret area where Spock and Kirk are unmasked. Khan stands before them.]

Khan: Hello there.  
Kirk: I should have left you at Starfleet.  
Khan: And deny me the chance at glory. 200 years ago, I was a prince.  
Spock: You were a tyrant.

[Everyone looks at Spock.]

Spock: I'm well versed in your tale.

Khan: Really?  
Spock: You were genetically engineered in the late twentieth century.

Khan: Yes, I was.

Spock: You also took over a quarter of the globe, and when the armies started fighting back, you fled. I might have done well to put that into consideration before agreeing that Captain Kirk beam you aboard in the first place.  
Kirk: That goes for me too.  
Khan: And now I have an entire galaxy to conquer.  
Kirk: Not with this ship, you don't.  
Khan: Oh? And who will stop me, Kirk?

(Bones comes up and punches him in the face.)

Bones: Let's get you the hell out of here.  
Kirk: Bones, how'd you know?  
Bones: I was double checking Rob's work. Don't tell him I said this, but the kid's got potential.

Kirk: Bones, give Khan something to keep him out. Spock, prepare the holding cell.

Bones: Got it, Jim.  
Spock: Right.

(Just then, Khan gets up and trips Kirk. He then grabs Kirk and puts him in a headlock.)

Khan: Now, you two will surrender, or your captain will die.

(Everyone else comes in with phasers.)

Khan: Drop your weapons!

(Khan tightens his hold on Kirk.)

Khan: Drop them!  
Doug: Commander Spock? Decker?  
Decker: ... Drop 'em.

(Everyone drops their weapons.)

Khan: Now the Enterprise belongs to me and my loyal friends.  
Kirk: No way.

(Kirk elbows Khan, winding him, as Kirk then punches him in the face as they begin fighting.)

Bones: Jim! We gotta help!  
Khan's wife: No! This is a matter of honor.  
Bones: Damn it woman, this isn't a game!  
Kirk: It's okay Bones, I got it!

(Kirk grabs a stray piece of equipment and knocks Khan out. Bones then grabs the stunner and injects Khan with it.)

Bones: There... He'll be out long enough to put him and the others in the cell.

(A blond boy of twenty comes up.)

Joachim: We will not go down. We shall win this ship for Khan and-

(Spock does a Vulcan Nerve Pinch, knocking him out.)

Spock: Anyone else?

(The rest are about to charge when Katherine, Rob, and Doug stun them with phasers.)

Kirk: Nice job guys. We'll keep them there overnight while we inform Starfleet and prepare a makeshift trial. Take them to the cells.  
Doug: Yes, Captain.

(Cut to the next morning as Khan and his wife are brought before Kirk, Spock, and Bones.)

Kirk: I've just contacted Admiral Pike, and he has given myself, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy full power to decide what to do with you, Khan.  
Khan: And what would that be, Captain?  
Kirk: We spent the night discussing it. Mr. Spock, our present course takes us near Ceti Alpha, correct?  
Spock: Indeed. The fifth planet in the system is inhabitable. It's a lush tropical world, if savage.  
Kirk: You took over a quarter of the globe even with a fight. I'd be interested to see what you'd do with a whole planet.  
Khan: As would I, Captain. Have you read Lucifer?  
Kirk: Yes, in high school. "It's better to rule in Hell than to serve in Heaven." A mutual friend of Spock and myself in the Vulcan colony has advised us to check in on you every few years, so we'll meet again.  
Khan: I look forward to it, Captain. You owe me a rematch.

(Khan and his wife walk out graciously.)

Bones: Wait... What mutual friend?  
Spock: I am afraid that's need to know, Doctor. Considering what happens around us, that time may come soon.

Bones: Tch, fine. Keep your secrets.

(Cut to the Botany Bay cargo canister being set on Ceti Alpha V as the Enterprise takes off. Doug walks up to Kirk.)

Doug: Ensign Halbeisen reporting for disciplinary action sir.  
Kirk: Discipline for what?  
Doug: Letting Khan see the bridge and giving him a chance to study its workings.  
Kirk: Doug, you didn't know. Of everyone here, only Spock suspected foul play. Don't lose that trust in people. It's something I admire about you.  
Doug: ... Thank you sir.  
Kirk: Hey, Mr. Sulu, how about you let Ensign Halbeisen pilot for a sector?

Sulu (Uneasily): O... Kay.

(Doug goes to the controls.)

Kirk: Full impulse power, Mr. Halbeisen. I think it'd be nice to check on the colony.  
Doug: Yes sir.

(Doug moves the ship off as it goes fairly smooth if a little slower than normal.)

Kirk (narrating): Space: the final frontier, these are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Her ongoing mission: to explore new worlds and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before...

The End... For now...

(Cut to a drop of red matter approaching Ceti Alpha VI.)

BLACK


	2. Engineer from Romulus

**Star Trek 2.0**

Chapter 2: Engineer from Romulus

(It opens in space as the Enterprise exits Warp.)

Spock (VO): First Officer's Log: We are checking the recently established Vulcan Colony set up by myself and Captain Kirk's mutual friend. It will be the first time I've seen it. I wonder what it will be like, and how my father has reacted to the founder of the colony.

(Cut to the bridge as Doug's still driving.)

Doug: How am I doing, Mr. Sulu?

Sulu (Smirks): You're catching on pretty quick, Doug. I'm impressed.

Doug: Thanks. Now the landing.  
Uhura: I'll just tell the colony we're arriving.

(Cut to the Enterprise landing as they walk out. They're greeted by the council, including Sarek. Spock and Sarek give the Vulcan hand salute.)

Spock: Father.  
Sarek: Son.

(A robed figure comes out and lowers his hood as everyone except Kirk and Spock stare.)

Spock Prime: Welcome to the colony.  
Doug: So, is this your grandfather, Commander Spock?  
Spock: No.

Spock Prime: I am Spock's future self, from an alternate timeline.

Bones: ... What?  
Spock: Trust him, Doctor. He's telling the truth.  
Spock Prime: During reconstruction, we were contacted by several Romulans wishing to make amends for what Nero did. As such, you will discover that negotiations for alliance have opened up and will hopefully flourish.  
Doug: And that means...?

(A Romulan girl with blond hair comes up in an ensign Starfleet uniform.)

Girl: As a sign of goodwill, we are offering services to several branches of the Federation.  
Bones (to Spock Prime): Are you out of your Vulcan mind? How do we know this isn't a trap?  
Girl: I swear it is not.

(Spock walks up.)

Spock: What is your name?  
Girl: Cleopatra.

Doug: Nero, Cleopatra...interesting choice of names.  
Cleopatra: it is a family name.

Doug: Sorry, no offense. Just interested in Romulan names.  
Cleopatra: My friends call me Cleo.  
Rob: Glad to have you aboard, Cleo.

Doug: You must be very proud to take these new steps into a new frontier.  
Cleo: I'm not really.  
Rob (Nodding his head): She's a Romulan alright.

Kirk: So guys, we're here to check on your progress and see if we can help at all.  
Spock Prime: That is very thoughtful, Captain.  
Sarek: First Spock, there's something I'd like to show you.

(Spock walks past Cleo to his father as the two walk off.)

Cleo: He doesn't seem to like me very much.  
Kirk: Nah. If he doesn't like you, he talks down to you.

Cleo: And if he ignores?  
Kirk: It means he can tolerate you.

Cleo: ... Okay...  
Kirk: It's alright. Spock's the most level-headed person I know. He knows that it wasn't the Romulans that actually lived in this timeline that destroyed Vulcan.

(Cut to a monument of Amanda as Spock and Sarek are there. It says in Vulcan "Proof that humanity is not a terrible trait.")

Spock: I miss her, Father.  
Sarek: As do I, Spock.

(Spock hugs Sarek as he comforts him. They part as Spock sighs.)

Spock: Sorry.  
Sarek: Don't be. As you learned after the loss of Vulcan, accepting emotion is not a weakness. In fact, it may be your greatest strength.

(Spock nods.)

Spock: So, intrigued by the phenomenon of having an older version of me here?

Sarek: it was at first, but after a few interesting tales I found his presence quite...insightful.

Spock: Yes. I find he has that effect. I assume you heard of the recent incident with Khan.  
Sarek: Yes. We believe you and Captain Kirk acted logically.  
Spock: Any reason he suggested checking up on Khan in about three years?  
Sarek: Ceti Alpha VI might explode in ten years.  
Spock: Oh. Good point.

(Cut to Katherine playing Chess with Cleo outside.)

Katherine: Checkmate.

(Cleo puts a pawn up her nose. Katherine blows it out.)

Katherine: Note to self, don't play Trivial Pursuit with you.  
Cleo: Sorry. I get competitive.

Katherine: So do I.

(Kirk's communicator goes off.)

Kirk: Hey Scotty. What's up?  
Scotty: An unidentified ship is coming in, and it doesn't look friendly, Captain.  
Kirk: Okay everyone, we've gotta board and make sure that ship isn't after the colony.

(Everyone beams aboard, and the Enterprise takes off and meets with the vessel.)

Kirk: Lieutenant Uhura, tell the captain of that ship we'd like to communicate with him.  
Uhura: Right Captain.

(A Klingon dressed in loose fitting clothing is there.)

Kirk: A Klingon?  
Spock: What do you want?  
Klingon: All the valuables of yourself and the Vulcan Colony.  
Doug: You can't have them!  
Klingon: Oh really.

(The ship fires at the engine room as it shakes.)

Kirk: Scotty, damage report! ... Scotty?  
Cleo (heavy static): Captain, the head engineer is out! I don't know what to do! I can't think! I-  
Spock: Ensign, take it easy. Panicking won't help. Are you used to an engine room?  
Cleo: Yes sir.  
Spock: Just relax and focus on what you know, and everything will be fine. Now, how's everything looking?  
Cleo: Nothing big's damaged, but it looks like Warp's hit bad.  
Spock: What do you suggest?  
Cleo: I could divert Warp Power into weaponry or shields.  
Spock: Hold the option open. Klingon, are you affiliated with the Klingon Empire's government?  
Klingon: I shall make a name for myself and destroy the colony while I rule the entire planet.  
Doug: I'm going to go with, "No, he's not."  
Spock: Divert Warp Power to weaponry Cleopatra.  
Cleo: ... Aye Commander, two minutes.

Kirk: You heard her ladies and gentlemen. Get on standby.

(Everyone does so as the Klingon looks at them confused.)

Klingon: What are you doing?  
Spock: We'll give you this one chance to surrender to the Federation.  
Klingon: I will not dishonor myself by surrendering to a ship full of children.  
Doug: Oh, now he did it.

Cleo (Statically): Armed and ready, sir!

Kirk: Fire!

(The ship is blown sky high.)

Doug: Boo-yah!  
Spock: Ensign?  
Cleo (statically): Yes sir.  
Spock: Bring Mr. Scott to the medical bay to be checked out.  
Cleo: Yes sir.  
Spock: Also... Good work, Cleo.

(Cut to the Engine room as Cleo lifts up Scotty as she smiles.)

Kirk: So, looks like we've got some more time in the Colony to help out until the Warp's repaired.  
Spock: Indeed.  
Doug: Hey Cleo, wanna play checkers during repairs?  
Cleo (statically): Okay?  
Katherine: Don't blame me if she sticks a checker up your nose.  
Doug: I won't.

(Spock smiles slightly. Doug walks out.]

The End.


	3. Inside Ensign Halbeisen

**Star Trek 2.0**

Chapter 3: Inside Ensign Halbeisen

(It opens at San Francisco during shore leave as the main crew walks into a restaurant.)

Doug: You know I've never had Greek food before.  
Kirk: Me and my old friend Gary used to come here every now and then.

(They walk in and are seated.)

Waiter: Please enjoy yourselves. I'll be out with some appetizers.  
Spock: It appears we have little choice in such a matter.

(The waiter walks off as Bones looks at the menu.)

Bones: What is half this stuff?

Kirk: Not sure.

(The waiter comes over with a bowl of fire.)

Doug: What the heck is that?  
Kirk: Beats me. Never saw it before.  
Waiter: It's the new special. Squid dipped in meat sauce topped with oregano.  
Spock: ... That's a bold combination.

(The waiter walks off as Doug puts some food on his plate.)

Doug: Come on guys, dig in.  
Decker: You've gotta be kidding.  
Doug: Come on guys, it can't be that bad. Food's a celebration. Let's party.

(Bones holds up a fork.)

Bones: Opa.

(Bones gives the fork to Doug.)

Doug: Fine, but there's nothing to worry about.

(Doug takes some of it.)

Cleo: So how is it?

(Doug smiles until he groans in pain and rushes to the bathroom.)

Uhura: Okay, that celebration went south.  
Cleo: Looked more like he was gonna throw up... Twenty bucks says I'm right.  
Katherine: Are you that inconsiderate?

(Kirk's having some.)

Kirk: Nope. Not the food. I feel fine.  
Spock: No record of Ensign Halbeisen having a seafood allergy.  
Bones: Weird. Maybe I should check on him.  
Scotty: Shouldn't he be back by now?

(A man who looks like Richard Moll brings him out.)

Man: He was passed out in a pool of vomit.  
Cleo: Ha! I was right! Pay up Lieutenant! ... Please?

(Everyone looks at Cleo.)

Cleo: I know. I've got a problem.

[Cut to a hospital as Robert walks up to the group.]

Rob: I turn my back for one minute and he goes and gets sick.

(Bones comes out.)

Bones: We got nothing out of him. He insists he's fine.  
Cleo: That's bull crap!

(Doug comes out.)

Doug: Let's get headed out. Shore leave's almost up after all.  
Kirk: Maybe you should stay here.  
Doug: Why? I feel fine.  
Bones: Damn it, Doug, you were passed out in a pool of your own vomit!  
Doug: Oh, the squid just didn't agree with me. I'm fine.  
Katherine: Doug-  
Doug: Trust me, I'm fine.

(Cut to the Enterprise as it goes off. Inside, Doug is at his post when he pretends to drop something.)

Doug: Oh, I better pick that up.

(He hides behind the map.)

Doug: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
Uhura: Doug, I can see you behind there.  
Doug: Um... Just having a flashback to the fight with Khan.  
Spock: Indeed? Stand up.  
Doug: In a minute... I'm uh... Examining my shoes.

Spock: Please, stand up now.

(He falls over.)

Spock: ... Never mind.

(Cut to the medical bay as Doug's in a bed as Rob's there.)

Rob: Hey buddy. You scared me back there. So, how about you tell me what's up?  
Doug: Nothing. I just didn't get enough sleep last night.

(Rob swats his head.)

Doug: Ow!  
Rob: Dr. McCoy's orders.

(Cut to outside as everyone else is there.)

Kirk: What's the status with Doug, Bones?  
Bones: He refuses to take tests, and I'm worried.  
Kirk: Katherine, Cleo, you go try to get Doug to talk about things. The rest of us have to get back to the bridge.

[Everyone walks off as Katherine and Cleo walk in.]

Katherine: Hey Doug. So... Why aren't you agreeing to any tests?  
Doug: Because I'm fine.  
Cleo: Doug, let me tell you a story. It's about a brother named... Uh... Ceaser. He had stomach pains too... And... He refused tests... And died...  
Doug: You made that up.  
Cleo: That is... Okay, that is true.  
Rob: Come on buddy, what's wrong?  
Doug: Nothing. I just ate some bad squid.  
Cleo: Oh, now that is bull shit! Captain Kirk ate the same squid, and he's the picture of health.  
Doug: My stomach isn't as strong as his?  
Katherine: Guys, can I talk to Doug privately?

[Cleo and Rob walk off.]

Cleo: What is it between those two?  
Rob: A lot, Cleo. A lot.

(Katherine closes the door.)

Doug: Great. Cover for me while I put my pants back on.  
Katherine: Keep those pants off, Doug! You're sick!  
Doug: I'm fine.  
Katherine: Fine people don't pass out twice in two days. Why are you so scared?  
Doug: I'm not scared!  
Katherine: Doug, talk to me. We were able to talk at the Academy. What could have changed? It's just some routine tests.  
Doug: That's what my dad said! He came in here for a few of these tests just before I got assigned to the Enterprise, and he died the very next day!  
Katherine: ... I'm sorry. I didn't know.  
Doug: Yeah. Now, I'm out of here.  
Katherine: Get back on that bed.  
Doug: No.

(Katherine shoves Doug down onto the bed and holds him there.)

Katherine: Now you're gonna listen to me, darn it! You mean a lot to everybody on this ship! ... You mean a lot to me, and I don't want you out of my life yet. You just got back in it.

Doug: Katherine... Are you saying that...?  
Katherine (Cutting in): I'm asking you to please take the tests, Doug.

[Doug looks away.]

Doug: Fine.

(Katherine goes to the door.)

Katherine: He's gonna take the tests.  
Cleo: Did you jump him?  
Katherine: Nope.  
Cleo: Ha! I win again!  
Katherine: Seriously, get some help.

(Cut to a little later as the crew's there and Bones holds up a picture.)

Bones: Well I found out what's wrong?  
Doug: What?  
Bones: Something's in your stomach.  
Doug: What is it?  
Bones: See for yourself.

(Bones hands the paper to Doug.)

Doug: Hey, a whistle.  
Spock: A whistle?  
Doug: Yeah, you know that cereal, Zippy Bits? Well every box promises a free whistle. I bought one and polished off the whole thing, no whistle. I called the company, but they said that every box had a whistle. Guess they were right.

(Katherine holds Doug's hand.)

Katherine: Aww. You've had that in your stomach all these years?  
Doug: No, for about three weeks.  
Katherine: What?

(Katherine begins squeezing Doug's hand.)

Katherine: I poured out my heart for a whistle you swallowed three weeks ago.  
Doug: You're kinda hurting my hand.

(Katherine flings his hand down and goes to the sides.)

Katherine: Zippy bits! I opened myself up to him over Zippy Bits.  
Cleo: Cheer up. When I was in high school, some of my friends did it over chocolate and Klingon Aphrodisiacs.

Rob: There's an image.

Bones: Okay guys; let's give him some rest before we take that whistle out of him. Doug, we'll be ready in a couple minutes.  
Doug: Great.

(Everyone except Katherine leaves.)

Doug: Hello.  
Katherine: So I hope you realize that all that stuff earlier that was uh... Just to get you to take the tests.  
Doug: Yeah... Yeah... I would've done the same for you.  
Katherine: Good, so we're still friends.  
Doug: Yup. I wonder what shape the whistle's gonna be in. It'd make a cool memento wouldn't it?  
Katherine (chuckling): Yeah.

[The two share a laugh as Katherine walks out.]

Doug (still laughing): God I'm an idiot.

(Cut to Katherine laughing.)

Katherine: God I'm an idiot.

(Cut to the end of the day as Doug's sleeping on the bed.)

Bones: He'll be up and ready for duty again in a couple of days.  
Kirk: Good.  
Rob: Man guys, look what his stomach acid did to his whistle. No wonder it hurt.

(Rob holds up a molten chunk of plastic.)

Cleo: Is that really a whistle?

(Rob shrugs as they head out as Katherine hangs back before sighing and walking off.)

The End.


	4. Take My Wife, Please

**Star Trek 2.0**

Chapter 4: Take My Wife, Please

(It opens at the Enterprise's Galley as everyone except Rob and Cleo are there.)

Uhura: Guys, I just heard from Starfleet. Negotiations for an alliance between the Romulans and the Federation fell apart.  
Doug: Oh no, what happened?  
Uhura: The Emperor was overthrown by a worse guy.  
Kirk: Ouch.

(Rob rushes off.)

Rob: Hey Captain, I need you to sign something!  
Kirk: What?  
Rob: Just some papers.  
Kirk: Then I'll do it after lunch.  
Rob: Oh, no way, Jose!

(Kirk smiles.)

Kirk: Alright Rob, what's this about?  
Rob: You see Captain, with the alliance going down the toilet; Cleo will have to leave unless I put in citizen ship paper work by midnight tonight.  
Kirk: Fine. Where's Cleo?  
Rob: Buying her last Snicker's Bar.

(Cleo comes up.)

Rob: Good news! He signed it!  
Cleo: Yes! So, I can stay?  
Rob: Maybe!  
Cleo: Maybe? What do you mean maybe?  
Rob: I still have to transfer it, and then it has to be cleared.  
Cleo: How long does that take?  
Rob: I have no idea.

(Cut to later at the Bridge.)

Kirk: Okay, looks like we're coming up on-'

(Rob grabs his Tricorder.)

Rob: Hello?  
Kirk: Rob, it will clear when it clears.  
Rob: But I can't wait forever, sir!  
Kirk: Okay, relax. Take a drink.

(Rob nods and walks off.)

Kirk: So Scotty, how are things in the Engine Room?  
Scotty: Damnedest thing, Captain, Ensign Cleo's disappeared.  
Kirk: Well, she's probably in need of a drink like Rob. Don't worry about it.

[Cut to the galley as Cleo sits at the bar miserable. Rob tries to comfort her.]

Rob: Don't panic I'm sure everything will be fine.

[Rob takes a long gulp of his drink.]

Rob: ... Come with me.  
Cleo: Why?

(Cut to the Bridge.)

Uhura: Captain, the Transporter's been activated.  
Kirk (sighing): Damn it, Rob.  
Doug: I'll get them.

(Cut to the Transporter Room as no one's there.)

Doug: Aw, crud.

(Doug's Tricorder goes off.)

Doug: Ensign Halbeisen of the Enterprise.  
Rob: Ready to be beamed up.  
Doug: ... Fine.

(Doug beams Cleo and Rob up as she's super perky and walks off as the rest of the command crew shows up.)

Bones: Damn it, Rookie, what did you do now?  
Rob: ... I went to the municipal court in San Francisco.  
Spock: ... Why...?  
Rob: ... I got married.  
Doug: Wow. I don't know what to say.  
Bones: I do.

(Bones walks up to Rob and takes his shoulders.)

Bones: ARE YOU NUTS?

Rob: Maybe a little.  
Spock: Why have you married Cleo?  
Rob: Romulan customs.  
Spock (Raising an eyebrow): Excuse me?

Rob: ... I screwed up bad, guys. You see, Cleo's paperwork wouldn't clear for two days, and she'd have to head out by midnight tonight, but on Romulus, if she was married to someone within the Federation, she'd be allowed to stay.  
Spock: Rob, how does Cleo feel about this?  
Rob: She knows part of it was so she could stay, but for some reason, she thinks it means I love her.  
Katherine (sarcastically): Really? Getting married because you're in love? What a concept!  
Kirk: Rob, you'll have to tell her.

(Cleo comes back in smiling.)

Cleo: Hey honey, how about I show you the Engine Room while we give Mr. Scott a lunch break.  
Rob: Uh... Cleo... Um...  
Cleo: I know what you're gonna say. I don't care where we spend our honeymoon.

[Cleo walks out.]

Doug: Oh, it's gonna suck when she finds out.  
Rob: I think on some level she already knows.  
Doug: Rob!  
Rob: Okay, I'll tell her!

[Rob walks out.]

Spock: His tactics were so illogical.  
Kirk: Don't try to analyze this, Spock. It'll just hurt your head.

Spock: Good point. A common problem with panicking.  
Doug: Yup.

(Cut to the bridge as Rob catches up with Cleo.)

Rob: Cleo?  
Cleo: What?  
Rob: Cleo... What do you say to a divorce?  
Cleo: A divorce? We've only been married fifteen minutes.  
Rob: Well you see... About the marriage... It was just to keep you in the Federation.  
Cleo: Eh?  
Rob: Yup. I thought you knew that.  
Cleo: So you took advantage of my people's customs, and you married me just to keep me here?  
Rob: Well you're a good person.  
Cleo: That's it? You married me because I'm a good person?

(Cut to the others on the other side.)

Bones: She's still doing better than my ex-wife.

[There's a loud crash.]

Cleo: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU!

Doug: That didn't sound good.

(Cut to inside the room as a table's been turned into kindling.)

Cleo: I'm gonna do the only thing I can do! I'm gonna starve myself to death! That'll show you!

(Cleo punches Rob in the nose and walks off in a huff.)

Doug: Wow. Wild wedding night, huh?

Rob (Holding his nose): Shut up!

Kirk: Rob, you've gotta talk to her.  
Rob (sighing): Yes sir.

(Rob goes off.)

Spock: Well logically, there are only three options, Jim. One: We allow the marriage to continue and hope they work things out. Two: Request a file for annulment, thus making it so Cleo will have to leave as by this point, the marriage will have meant nothing. Three: Report to Starfleet and risk the imprisonment of both.  
Uhura: I've got a friend in the municipal court.  
Kirk: Let's run it by them once Cleo's cooled down.

(Cut to the Bridge as Cleo's sitting in her chair when Rob comes in.)

Rob: Hey Cleo. Look, I wanna talk to you.  
Cleo: Shut up. I'm focusing on letting my body shrivel up and die.  
Rob: Come on, you know I wouldn't mean to hurt you. Why are you so hurt?  
Cleo: Rob, I am grateful for your help, but you married me without a thought to how I felt about you.  
Rob: Say huh?  
Cleo: I know we've only known each other for a few months... But I did love you.  
Rob: ... Whoa... I'm sorry. I didn't know.

(Kirk comes in.)

Kirk: Rob good news. Lieutenant Uhura has a friend who can annul the marriage.  
Rob: Oh. Then it's like it never existed.  
Cleo: I guess I'll go back then.  
Rob: Damn it, Cleo, you can't go back! The new regime will peg you as a spy and take your finger prints, and maybe even your fingers!  
Cleo: Well, it's not like you care.  
Rob: I do! It's just that... Inter-racial marriages are pretty controversial, even today, at least among some people.  
Cleo: Is that a problem for you.  
Rob: Of course not! I love you!  
Cleo: ... You love me?  
Rob: ... Well... I guess. Can we at least give it a try and then divorce if things don't work out?  
Cleo: ... I'd love to.  
Rob: Just promise you won't starve yourself if things don't work out.  
Cleo: I lied about that. When I get dumped... I eat like a pig.  
Rob: Nice bluff. So... I better do this to make things official.

(Rob kisses Cleo.)

Rob: There we go.

Cleo: So, where do ya wanna spend wedding night?  
Rob: Sir, may we please retreat to... One of our quarters?  
Kirk (smiling): Fine by me, Ensign, but first, I believe a reception's in order.

(Cut to the galley as the main crew is there with a modest cake and punch.)

Doug: Congratulations, guys. So what are your plans?  
Cleo: Well we figured for shore leave we could maybe go to... The Magical World of Harry Potter?  
Rob: You kidding? I've been dying to go there since I was a little kid.  
Cleo: No way, me too!

(Everyone chuckles.)

Rob: So now what?  
Cleo: Now we go and... Consummate the marriage. By the way, I'm on top.

The End.


End file.
